Let’s Get Personal, what is the life of an introvert?
This is going to be a little different than what I usually post. Being an introvert in the midwest, you might think, “What’s the difference of being an introvert in the Midwest and somewhere else?”. I will explain it to you later on in this post, but when I say midwest, I specifically mean INDIANA.
[Words cannot describe how much this place has changed me as a person, in a bad way. I am usually such a happy person, I tend to like going out and love doing stuff. It can be ANYTHING, because it’s in my nature to not like staying in the house. Yet, I never seem to leave my room nowadays.]
Friends? That’s what most people ask. Don’t you have friends? “Friend” is such a word that’s thrown around way too much. I have many acquaintances, but friends, I can count on one hand.
None of my real friends even live in the state I am currently in, Indiana. Everyone is living their life, but me. I feel stuck, I feel like something always pops up that prolongs me living in this soul taking state.
This isn’t living life, this feels like I am living in LITERAL hell. If you don’t know what that feels like, trust me, you don’t want to know. The thing is, no one can help me but God and myself.
[I am the one that stopped caring about school and got bad grades. I am the one that puts myself down if I don’t get it first, second, third OR fourth time.]
How is being an introvert different in a small city compared to a different one?
Well, in summer 2016 I went to New York to intern. LET ME TELL YOU IT WAS THE BEST TIME OF MY LIFE! I was constantly doing something, I had no time to be sad. The only thing that kept me down sometimes, was a boyfriend I had at the time and him questioning my whole existence. Other than that, I really was finally happy, I was finally living MY dream.
And then, BOOM. I came back to Indiana to start school again at Purdue University. “Reality” hit me. I say reality in quotations because I was living a real life in New York. I was pursuing my dreams, working towards my end goal, to then come back cold turkey and hit deep depression.
[When I was in New York, I didn’t even know what having social anxiety was like. I would feel a bit nervous going to events because I didn’t know what to expect, but it wouldn’t be a “No, I can’t go I am too awkward for this” feeling. But now, this is what I hear myself saying when I get a rare invite to a function. This is not me, it’s not me at all.]
In New York, being a room full of a so many people gave ME SO MUCH LIFE! I would get emotional and give thanks to God for putting me in such an amazing city. I was meant to be there!
In Indiana, being a room full of not so many people gives me mad anxiety. It makes me so uncomfortable, I don’t act my true self and turn into the fake Debbie. The Debbie that no one probably wants to invite out ever again and the Debbie who shouldn’t exist.
That right there is the difference of being an introvert in a small city compared to a big one. I can’t wait until the day that I go back to New York and can be my normal self again. I trust in God that he will help me get back to where I belong and continue my journey of success.
No, this isn’t a pity party, I don’t want anyone to feel bad for me. I am just putting it out there, this stuff is real, this stuff AFFECTS EVERYDAY LIVES and no this isn’t made up in my head.
[I don’t know if anyone will ever read this or want to read this. But if you are going through the same thing as me, LET’S TALK. I love having friends, I love talking to people, but I don’t have anyone that I can easily drive over to and just be in their company.]
I am 24 years old and struggling with this. Don’t be ashamed if you 15 or 45! I know that one day I will be reunited with my girls and it will feel like we were never even separated in the first place.
But until then, catch me writing my feelings away with my baby dog by my side keeping me company.
To everyone that supports me, I love you all. You don’t know how much you make my day! P.S, real tears were shed in the making of this post haha.